Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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