sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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