So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Oh god it's open bar.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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