Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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