Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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