so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
either way he was missing a nipple.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
