Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
