Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
