I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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