I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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