why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
