It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
