So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
