Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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