Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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