You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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