There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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