the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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