I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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