Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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