They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
