and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
