I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
