I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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