eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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