That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
