some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
