I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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