My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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