FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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