Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
