I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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