I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
