I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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