the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You left your phone here
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