oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
MIDGETS
????
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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