Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
