Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
