Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Do you still have your period?
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize