Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
