i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
