He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
