I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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