my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
