pedialite and red bull = repair kit
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
