half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
