Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
