My room smells like vodka and shame
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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