i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
