I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
