We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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