Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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