im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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