sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
