When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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