No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My liver just had a heart attack.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize