Got a toothbrush?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
