I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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