And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
