After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize