if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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