Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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